~ A one-way road to Heart Break city ~
It has been almost a year since I last blogged. Things are so much different now compared to how it used to be when I last updated my blog last year. I got heartbroken, betrayed, moved on. But, somehow, I fell into the same ditch again and here I am. Heartbroken and stupid. Standing still wandering what to do next in life. My friends and family are being the greatest source of motivation and moral support to me. I can call or leave them a message anytime and they'd be there for me to talk, of course! But, asking someone to move on is not as tough as how it actually works. It requires someone to break down for a million times in order to actually move on and rise up again. Moving on is ain't easy especially after being in a relationship for 10 years with someone. The hardest part is when you both need to part ways when you are still in love. All I learned throughout this breakup is, never get attached too much to anyone even if they feel the same towards you. Just like seasons, people change and the circumstances change. In today's world, people often change according to the situations. Maybe our modern society molded humans that way. Today, the love you. And the following week, they just do not feel the same anymore. It happens and I know it will continue happening.
But, what I learned through this heart-breaking situation is, I do not want to get into any relationship again. People often say this is what heart-broken individuals will do. Truth is, I had very high expectations in my previous relationship and it was my very first love. We were crazily in love and deeply attached to each other. Both our families knew about our relationship and things were all perfect till few months ago. Our families that used to bless our relationship, suddenly decided to disagree with us getting married. My ex is someone who is family-oriented. In this battle between myself and his family, he decided to turn him down. I tried my best making him understand and convincing him but to no avail. Hence, I decided to just stay friends with him and end the relationship. Life can be very cruel at times. I am a very strongly-devoted person. I pray everyday. I attended Sunday masses every week. I fast, I meditate. But, whatever that is written in our fate are the ones that will happen in lives. Sometimes, I wonder why do we pray? God still directs our lives according to our fate. Then why do we pray? Slowly, I am losing hope towards God and religion. I even wonder if God really exist.
I have no words to express how I feel at the moment. I no longer cry or mourn over his loss. But, something inside me has died. I just do not feel the same anymore towards myself. I have heard a saying where people say, " some people take a part of you with them when they leave and no matter how long it takes, you will never get back that missing part." In my case, it is very true. I just wish one day I will move on. I wish one fine day all these memories will never hurt me anymore. We are still friends. But, to me the feelings are still there. I just wish the best for him wherever he is. But, to me my heart and mind are completely closed for falling in love or getting married every again. A break up is just as painful as a divorce and death. Especially when it was a long term relationship with very deep attachment. At this moment, I am in a good job. I earn well and my family is there as my pillar of strength. Anyhow, it still hurts. I have never been anywhere without him beside me. And now, wherever I go, I cannot walk through a path or a street without the past memories striking in hard in my mind. I can never listen to a song without his memories flashing through my eyes. I can never go to bed without thinking of him and I can never wake up without his thought first coming through my head after I opened my eyes. Will I ever move on? I don't know the answer now. Let's see if I ever forget him and the memories when I update my next post.
All these pain I went through made me numb. Even more than how I used to be. I just do not feel anything anymore. I do not feel pain or hurt anymore. I am slowly losing sense on how does love, happiness and any other feelings look or appear like. Getting feelings are terrific to me now. I just wish, I never ever fall in love or get attached to anyone ever again, anymore.
But, what I learned through this heart-breaking situation is, I do not want to get into any relationship again. People often say this is what heart-broken individuals will do. Truth is, I had very high expectations in my previous relationship and it was my very first love. We were crazily in love and deeply attached to each other. Both our families knew about our relationship and things were all perfect till few months ago. Our families that used to bless our relationship, suddenly decided to disagree with us getting married. My ex is someone who is family-oriented. In this battle between myself and his family, he decided to turn him down. I tried my best making him understand and convincing him but to no avail. Hence, I decided to just stay friends with him and end the relationship. Life can be very cruel at times. I am a very strongly-devoted person. I pray everyday. I attended Sunday masses every week. I fast, I meditate. But, whatever that is written in our fate are the ones that will happen in lives. Sometimes, I wonder why do we pray? God still directs our lives according to our fate. Then why do we pray? Slowly, I am losing hope towards God and religion. I even wonder if God really exist.
I have no words to express how I feel at the moment. I no longer cry or mourn over his loss. But, something inside me has died. I just do not feel the same anymore towards myself. I have heard a saying where people say, " some people take a part of you with them when they leave and no matter how long it takes, you will never get back that missing part." In my case, it is very true. I just wish one day I will move on. I wish one fine day all these memories will never hurt me anymore. We are still friends. But, to me the feelings are still there. I just wish the best for him wherever he is. But, to me my heart and mind are completely closed for falling in love or getting married every again. A break up is just as painful as a divorce and death. Especially when it was a long term relationship with very deep attachment. At this moment, I am in a good job. I earn well and my family is there as my pillar of strength. Anyhow, it still hurts. I have never been anywhere without him beside me. And now, wherever I go, I cannot walk through a path or a street without the past memories striking in hard in my mind. I can never listen to a song without his memories flashing through my eyes. I can never go to bed without thinking of him and I can never wake up without his thought first coming through my head after I opened my eyes. Will I ever move on? I don't know the answer now. Let's see if I ever forget him and the memories when I update my next post.
All these pain I went through made me numb. Even more than how I used to be. I just do not feel anything anymore. I do not feel pain or hurt anymore. I am slowly losing sense on how does love, happiness and any other feelings look or appear like. Getting feelings are terrific to me now. I just wish, I never ever fall in love or get attached to anyone ever again, anymore.
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